CUNA VILEARSA

Verdict versus denunciation

2011-03-05T07:05:00.000-08:00

How many times do we ruminate before we even retort towards circumstances? When trouble pays a visit and pressure seemingly emerge from every inch of our steps, we tend to sashay vainly into the bewildering circle. Myself am terrified of the swirling vermin and discernments but somehow trapped in self-anticipation.

I have to divulge that denunciation often showers when I am fragile, careless and tangled. Have you ever doubted on yourself? Have you ever thought that you would be even better if…and you start to lay on the possibilities.

I know I’m not the most amiable, stunning or even far less towards perfect. But I believe I have a truthful soul and I shall erase superfluous desires in my wish list. My life is simply moderate as I am trying my level best to fulfill my necessity and imminent needs.

Alhamdulillah.. I am blessed with a couple of indulgent parents and siblings. They were always around during my hard times and even shared my happiness for so many years. I have no qualm on my family’s unconditional love. Even I am not pampered with luxury but instead I was thought to be sensibly robust and fervently patient with unpredictable obstacles. Thank you Ayah & Ibu for being stern enough while raising me up.

Now I have a partner.. a young man who tries hard to understand my wobbly mood and flimsy heart. He is very hot-tempered in nature but somehow cope to be tolerant when it comes to me.

Not that I have hesitation in this affiliation but I don’t agree with secrets. I have enough woes around me so I would much prefer to be translucent that I hate deceitful deeds. My concern is simple, be honest & don’t betray my trust.

My verdict is upon the surface and I hope not to shed an opinion weighted with mess. I look at denunciations as haze.. emerge out of now where, suffocating as I inhale yet will fade as time goes by.

I choose to be an empty cup but again I still select my drinks.

Read between the lines

2011-02-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been through enormous events and occurance that forces me to make choice after choice.

There were never a single clue on what's upcoming.

Tears, laughter, surprises and disappointment each scattered on the floor like pieces of magic cards and segregate the effects bluntly on my fragile heart.

I now have grown to be a woman with courageous endurance, much more reasonably obstinate towards my stand.

The absolute prove: not just anyone can tolerate with my grimness.
I am DIFFICULT as i am certain of my interest.

To the most vulnerable guy equiped with patience, you know who you are..

THANK YOU so much for being such a sweetheart =)

I am now in Ara Damansara

2011-01-08T23:19:00.001-08:00

Another chapter of life with NEW JOB, new house, new mates, new vision but with specified interest.. (=

Another fervor of mine..

2010-06-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

I could still remember on March 28th this year, I’ve set my foot in Sri Mutiara Girl’s School for the very first time.I know nil about teaching as I had never been into any formal training to be a TEACHER.

Praise to Allah SWT, the week I started my duty call was an examination week. Thus, the proxy timetable given to me was actually a perfect preamble of the school’s daily routine. Soon after the examination week, officially my duties commenced as I am liable towards my own time table. I am in-charge of 3 subjects namely Bahasa Melayu, Moral Education and Physical Education.

Little that I know, I was also appointed as a ‘Pemulihan’ teacher. In essence, the weakest students in the school were congregated and I was given the task to re-enlighten them to be at the basic level of understanding BM and communicate with this national language. Day by day, I learn to be more human oriented. I am not lecturing in class, the knowledge is not just about hearsay or another factual notes but I am more emotionally attached towards the kids.

Yes, I label them as kids.. young hearts which still need to be nurtured indeed. I easily got upset when I see them not participating in class or doesn’t show any interest towards the subject I am trying to deliver. I find it extremely difficult to spread my astuteness of moral values which I’ve gained though out my living years. I did fell into morose state that the kids rejected me as I am new but that was never an excuse for me to simply relinquish.

I strive with my bare hands but with a heart full of buoyancy and that was just enough to keep me moving with a little help from courage. It touched my heart to see the kids (especially the weak ones) struggling to understand my every single word. I whispered the sounds of each spelling so that they could differentiate the pronunciation of each verb. I hold their hands and put my mouth close to their ears so that they would listen and remember.

One of my Chinese student came to me and say “Cikgu, tak mau pi lain tempat, tolong ajar kami lagi”.

Subhannallah, how could I ever forget those naïve faces? Every morning when they see me walking around the school they would call me from a distance .."Cikgu!" and when I looked at them, they would all started waving to me happily.

Every time I leave the class the Malay girls would be running to me and kiss my hands, asking for forgiveness and the Indian and Chinese students would be eagerly waving their hands showing goodbye, still with cheerful faces.

Whenever I’m disturbed with obnoxious behavior of the naughty bunch, I would coax my own heart by reminding myself of my solid intention; which is to foster the kids to be a better person with pride, passion and truthful ambition.

I am never ashamed to divulge that I am devoted to this new profession of mine..being a teacher. I might not be sitting in an air-cond room and hold executive title like others at my age but Alhamdulillah, I am truly pleased with my destiny. Wallahhu‘aklam.

My cinematography

2010-05-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

A snapshot tells a tale of his zeal towards camera works.

My heart is hopelessly devoted to the man behind the camera.

Only by heeding to his voice makes me smile throughout the day.

I laugh at his lame jokes, I listen to his anecdotes and most importantly he makes me feel belonged, every single day.

If I were to be given a camera and a day to be with him, I would certainly snap the shots of his laughter, his squirmy expressions and of course some personal glimpse of us.

I do feel engulfing affection intended for him ;)

Condolence for my adored sister, Zetty Arfah Razali

2010-04-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I received a phone call from my beloved buddy, Zetty. She whimper so hard that I couldn’t understand what she was about to say. A few seconds later I did grasp that her much-loved mom passed away around 6.45 that evening. I hold my gulp of air and I just couldn’t find the right words to say to comfort her at that moment. I’m truly devastated by the sudden news. From that moment my hands were shaking and all I could do is to text other mates to break the gloomy moment.

Dear Zetty, God knows how I wish to be there to cuddle you tight in my arms and tell you how much I love you and I am here for you. But I just can’t afford to go there and lend you my shoulders right now. I know you would understand but it’s just that myself felt this heart of mine wrenched because I am no where near to console you at this dreadful moment. I’m sorry sis, I would try my best to visit you once I’m able to. I promise.

Now for your devoted mama, we shall always recite suratul-Yassin & al-Fatihah and may Allah rest her soul among those with true faith, Amiiin..

Bewilderment never ends.. (Part 2)

2010-04-24T03:56:00.001-07:00

Him: Knock Knock!

Me: ...

Him: Where about?

Me: No where

Him: Will u..?

Me: Empty. Cold. Bleak

Him: Listen. Mine = lucid

Me: U’ll regret

Him: Yes or No?

Me: *uncertain*

Him: I say YES. What say u?

Me: *weeping*

Him: No more tears. Buzz me if it’s gonna be YES.

Me: …

HIM: If No, I’ll be gone..for good

Me: YES… I was about to say YES

That was how a new chapter instigates on April 11th 2010

Bewilderment never ends..

2010-04-24T02:32:00.000-07:00

Life has always been an untold mystery if you ask me. I’ve learn from my own mistakes and so did I discern from other people’s experiences. Not to say I am faultless but I’ve make an effort to be sentient of what-so-ever verdict that I am about to depict. Each and every one of us is given colossal choices in life which we have to eventually pick on our own. I comprehend that I have to choose whenever the situation compels me towards a defining moment of ambiguity.

Metaphorically, God has lent me a spruce looking attire. All this while I have been wearing this stunning garment for myself and I never did complain about anything. Everything about this particular piece is notable and I am certainly happy and proud to be dressed in it. Until one moment I’ve asked myself, am I fit enough to be in this charming piece of attire? All this while I realize that there were countless of people out there eyeing this particular piece of clothing. So I’ve decided to let go the precious clothe because I am certain that, there must be someone out there who deserve this ‘companion’ better than myself.

Sadly this fine clothe wouldn’t want to understand my situation. It really thought that all this while I’ve been playing games just for amusement and that notion somehow shatters my fragile heart. How could I not care for it after what I’ve gone through all these years..it is just about picking an option when the time is in need. Lord knows how difficult it is to make a verdict out of vagueness but that is the price that I have to pay for my choice of life.

A plain dress came to loom in front of me just the same moment I’m about to go bare.. Eventhough it is plain but the earnest and sensitiveness of its’ material caught my attention. This dress I’ve seen 5 years ago but only now it came by to say “hello”. Why is that so? I would never want to question fate. Now this dress willingly wants to be here, right here with me. Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah for the unpredictable voyage of mine. I would only pray that when the time comes, this dress would officially be mine for a lifetime InsyaAllah. Amiiinnn.

Befuddled with old reminiscences

2010-02-12T00:11:00.000-08:00

Just now I was rearranging my belongings from an old box. A box filled with sequence of mirth, snuffles, anguish and simply weeps. After scores of years, I never ever had any intention to check on this one rusty box but today I decide to ‘play’ my painstaking role. I flipped each and every annotation I’ve written on the pieces of papers and also in a small diary.

At some parts I start to titter at my infantile remarks on my own self & my surroundings. But at other fractions, I was stunned that I have forgotten quite a number of occurrences which encased me in the state of agony. Unsolicited, tears filled my eyes and slowly dripped down my cheeks. These wrinkles on my face and body proves that those many years shall never return. Alhamdulillah, even through adversity, God still have mercy on me and grant me a beautiful life with both parents & siblings.

I am grateful for almost 26 years of my life, I still have the chance to breathe, to perform my responsibility as a Muslim, a daughter, an eldest sister, a friend and a person. Don’t get me wrong, this note is not about me moaning, I am all sentient that there are many more souls that suffers in poverty, vague wars and in serious illness. My twinge is just a small cut compared to theirs. Nevertheless, I am an imperfect soul and I might drain off every now and then but still I will never deceive my religion nor my conviction.

27 April 2009

2009-11-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

I'd wrote 2 different mode of mine on my diary during the above mentioned date. I just feel like sharing it here :)

1st Post: IN SATE OF CONFUSION…
Bluntly I have to divulge, I am in an utter of perplexity right now. Somewhere around this time last year, I had some squabbles with my mom about choices that I tend to seize in life. My dad would always agree with me but whatever the consequences may be, I shall have to bare it at my own risk.

I would have to admit that I am full of lust, craving for possessions that everyone else sense that would be unfeasible to attain. Let alone anyone would help me to soar through the mountains of ambiguity in the path that I have chosen. Eventually by then I was so full of ardor and I repudiate all the clamors around me and laid my foot here in the position I am at this juncture, right now.

Ya Allah Ya Karim..am I being paranoid of all that evolves around me?am I hesitant about my destiny? Am I not being gratified towards your blessings and bliss?Why is there a little voice in my heart that is howling for contentment, self-actualization?

I want to become somebody who is dignified, where my valor is poured to those in needs not dispense everything else to those with propensity of materialism. I hope I will not stifle in this journey of mine.Allah the Almighty, I am pleading for you to help me..

----------------------------------
2nd Post: WHAT I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF

I do portray myself as a woman full of inquisitiveness but yet eager to discern the wonders of life. Despite hearsay from others of my erratic personality, I still do believe that I am accountable for each and every move that I ever make. The amusing part is, I found out that every now and then this populace around me turns out to be a mirror of myself.

Thanks to friends and foes for pointing out my vitality and weaknesses most of the times.
I’ve learnt from their scrutiny of my behavior, they see me as what I churn out to be and even me myself didn’t realize what I have become.

I want u to be my berry!!!

2009-11-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

Dearest Nancy..i can't afford to send a birthday gift for you straight to Singapore so I would like to dedicate this song only for you. I do really miss u sis, happy birthday and may God bless u!

You're especially special
There is only one you
And if you were a crayon
They would name your color true blue

We'll be buddies forever
'Cause together you'll find
That though we make other friends
We two are still one-of-a-kind

You're my berry best friend

What we have is so yummy
That it's never gonna end
There's a place in my heart
Just for you and me

You're my berry best friend
And you're always gonna be

You're the cherry on my sundae
You're the engine on my train
You're the music in my laughter
And my sunshine after the rain

You're my berry best friend

When you put us together
We make up the perfect blend
You're number one in my heart
And you're always gonna be

You'll stay in my heart
You are the best, best friend
...To me

Never be replaced

2009-10-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

I was walking down the passageway from my class towards the cafeteria in hasty steps.

“Hey there, you’re from Penang right?” a voice called from my back.

I turned behind and render speechless to a shy boy that I met in my first class, first day of college.

Yeah, he was the one sitting alone at the corner of the classroom with huge file and note book of his and never stop jotting down every single thing that the lecturer says. He looks like a nerdy to me. That was my first impression towards him.

We exchanged smiles and started to chatter and walk at a snail's pace. There goes a camaraderie which ensued with earnest hearts.

More than 6 months after I cried so hard till my body can’t stop quivering. That was the first time i was dumped and I could still hear the voice of his patiently whispering to me..

”Never forget that I am here, I would always be. You’ll never loose me. I’ll hold your hands and help you out".

This boy never be bothered with the populace, all he knows that he would be the first person to shield me whenever others tries to bring me down. He never fails; indeed he clogged his ears simply to prove that he knows me better than anyone else.

There were so many times he came in the vicinity of me. Name it..he was always there.
When baseless accusations & enormous rumors made by some cunning bunch and years later I met with an accident and my hip was dislocate till the doctors was certain that I will be a handicap.

He was never ashamed to stand by me and again whispered the same assuring words..
“Be strong, I’m here..i’ve never gone astray. Please don’t let the tears flow or I will feel the throbbing as well.”

He keep on calling me day and night just to check on me..whether or not I’m doing fine. He just never stops. It has been 5 long years and he is still here, always mine..my true buddy. We grew up, evolving from adolescents to adults together. The best person that knows me for who I am and willing to accept me for what I were.

He is now suffering the symptoms of psoriasis and he tried to avoid me few months back but I snap out of it and went straight in front of his face.

“You can’t just run away like that because for all that I know, you need me now as much as I do. Who cares if you have patches all over your body? I care more about your heart rather than your outer shell. No way that I’ll ever let you go. I swear I won’t!”

I can never envisage my life without him.. my guardian angel.

yeah it's me!!

2009-10-20T23:39:00.000-07:00

Hey mates..yeah I know I’ve derelict this blog of mine for quite some time. It’s just that I don’t feel like expressing myself, I guess.

My daily life gyrates around with normal routine. .i wake up early dawn like everyone else and begin the days like a ‘housewife’ (eventhough I’m not married). Why?I had to do all of the house chores from sweeping, wipe up the floor and even do BIT of laundry until noon. But you know what? I just love to keep my house clean & tidy. *naughty grin*

On the other hand, I still have to ‘babysit’ my pets which are 2 tortoises, a couple of cats, and 2 kittens. I am in charge not only towards my parents’ house but also to my lil babies (pets). All in all, Alhamdulillah I did not face any migraine symptoms since I’m back in Penang. Maybe as I’m fully occupied with my responsibilities and lately I still haven’t face any unnecessary behaviors from my surroundings thus the sentiment is simply relaxing.

What else have I been doing since I resign from ik? I’m setting up a small business on my own.* ROFL* Well yes, I am still running it slowly for a start but it seems to be just nice to keep me motivated.

Up till this moment Alhamdulillah, felt like as though saya adalah penganggur yang paling berjaya menguruskan mental & emosi saya sebaiknya. Income tu adela here and there but yeah, no more tears here.

Eid Mubarak this year..

2009-09-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Eid Mubarak is nothing much than average glee this year I would say. Yes I felt the gaiety of reuniting with my parents n siblings but in a greater scope of the family (which includes relatives) as a whole, the feeling is just customary. Maybe the reason why I felt this way is because this year I’m considered as an ADULT=25 years old; or might be as the size of my family is eventually shrinking.. both late grandpa are gone few years back and also 2 of my beloved uncles passed away and now only left the remaining of us.

This year like any other years..we had our Eid prayers in Penang (granny’s house) but unfortunately, my father’s younger brother n sister were absent when the family photo were taken as they were busy with their spouse & kids at their own residence.

Later on that Eid noon, we manage to meet up with my father’s siblings and went to the graveyard and spent moments there with the whole bunch of family members. Soon after, we went to Alor Setar to celebrate the Eid evening with relatives from my mother’s side.

Phew~it was so tiring as we visited our relatives 3 days nonstop. But me, farah & afiq had fun traveling in my father's new ride as there's loads of space in there.

Well I have to admit that now I’m missing my office mates..and I’m still wondering what are each of them are doing now in KL..

SeLaMat HaRi RaYa

2009-09-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

"persahabatan adalah hak mutlak kita bersama" - cuna 17sept09

Assalamu'alaikum..

Ku coretkan kata-kata ikhlas dari hatiku pada hari ini dalam bahasa ibunda.

Hari ini perasaanku bercampur-baur antara sedih dan gembira. Sedih kerana aku bakal meninggalkan sahabat seperjuangan setelah hampir 2 tahun berkongsi perit-jerih bersama serta hilai dan tawa.Ketahuilah oleh kalian bahawa kamu semua telah manjadi pemangkin semangat selama aku berada di bumi perantauan ini mencari rezeki.

"saya sayang kamu semua! muah muah" - cuna 17sept09

Aku turut gembira kerana kejujuran telah membawa persahabatan ini sebegini jauh sehingga kita merasakan seolah-olah kita dilahirkan sebagai sebuah keluarga. Hari-hariku tidak pernah sunyi bersama kalian malah segala kenangan manis akan kusemat jauh dalam lubuk hatiku dan harapanku moga ia sentiasa segar mekar mewarnai jiwa dikala kita di kejauhan. Gembira juga hatiku kerana dapat kurasa kalian semua sayang padaku, insan kerdil yang tidak pernah lepas dari kekhilafan. Namun yang paling membuat hatiku girang dan berbunga riang adalah kerana hakikat bahawa aku bakal pulang kepangkuan ayah bonda tercinta di kampung halaman.

Kepada sahabatku sekalian, selamat hari raya maaf zahir & batin.

Terima kasih untuk hadiah-hadiah yang kalian sediakan khas buat pemergian saya.

Saya suka semuanya! :D

2 weeks before adilfitri comes..

2009-09-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

"no matter what, we'll still have each other don't we?" - cuna 10sept09

Dear mates, I'm sorry that I didn't have enough time to blog in here..lately I had to put certain things into perspective. To my surprise, I've decided to resign by end of this week. Yeah, I already did submitted my resignation letter to the bosses earlier yesterday. Can't belive I have been working here almost two years and now I finally decided to leave my set of jovial mates simply to be responsible towards my family back in Penang. Yes, I did cried at the time I break the news to my closed friends..but life is about striving for the path that we have chosen and eventually I shall carve my own footsteps.

"alhamdulillah..praise to Allah for the meal we had.." - cuna 10sept09"

Last week (10/9/09) I had iftar with fellow ik girls in Holiday Villa Subang. The food was so-so but it was the precious moment we spent together that makes it a special night. Will we ever be together in future like in this portrait i had? Oh yes... I never did have any celebration for my birthday..but the girls gave me some variety of gifts after we had iftar. I got a bottle of perfume, a set of brooch, a shawl, a purse and a bracelet. Thank you fellas, you are all so sweet to trouble yourselves to get me the birthday gifts.

"our laughter seems to dash out beautiful memories indeed" - cuna 13sept09

"hope this would never be our last pose together..promise me we'll never be apart" -cuna 13sept09

Weekend was superb as I had a day out with Felina, Ainun & Felicia. We had fun chit-chatting all day long just to keep ourselves updated with what's hot and what's not. Not to mention we strayed around KLCC and of-course did our joyous activity which was snapping photos here and there. LOL. It was pretty AWESOME with the girls around. We care less about the passers by but we did laugh our lungs out knowing that we were actually hyper jumpers during fasting month ;)

"never count fears beneath the steps but catch happiness by just smiles" - cuna 13sept09

"Friends NEVER say goodbye" - cuna 13sept09

A glimpse of 2 earlier weeks in Ramadhan 2009

2009-09-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

Precedentedly before Ramadan, I had some arguments with someone who so-called acknowledge me as a buddy(konon). I never wanted to cultivate hatred in my heart unfortunately, so I did spare my forgiveness to that particular person (eventhough the anonymous never did make an endeavor to clarify things between us). Tak ape la..I boleh maafkan but the problem with me is..I never forget people who betray my trust especially those who did that without a solid reason.

Ramadan this year indeed is such an appeasement experience as I am here alone in Kelana Jaya without my family around but yet..the holy month does trigger my inner self to be more grateful towards the Almighty's mercy. Subhanallah... I can't believe with just a blink of an eye it is almost 2 years I had been living in KL on my own. How I crave for those who had filled in the spaces in my heart trough out these many years.

Tarawikh prayers this year is a brand-new undergo as well..the first time I set my foot in Masjid Tengku Kelana Jaya Petra (the one by KJ lake) with my new housemate. Fresh spot but yet the same prayer routine every Ramadan which sets tranquil somesthesia that lingers in my intuition. This smile carved on this clueless face is a gift from God and I am certain of that. :)

Last week I went back to Penang simply for the sake of fasting a few days with my parents & siblings. Simple captivating moments and again, my heart was filled with love and respect with them around. Little that I know, I wangled with my emotions and easily captured nothing but true happiness with my existing friends. Not to mention I've got new ones too in this holy month!

To my surprise, I looked at my comfy bed that I've been sleeping for past 1 year which is far more than what I've expected the first time I came to KL. Did I ever forget that I slept on the floor those days because I don't have money to purchase a mattress. Bila fikir balik rasa tak percaya..what an achievement I've accomplish..dulu I've got nothing.

Ya Allah, I am thankful that you have given wonders in life and everything else is simply the best!
Alhamdulillah..

I love my car too.. *ROFL*

--<-@Simply Felicity@->--

2009-09-02T19:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was sort of merriment evening I would say. Me, Afeena & Danita rushed home and changed our garbs..and thank God, Liya (my housemate) was kind hearted enough to drive us straight to KJ lrt station.

Memories as an intern 2 years back shuffled in my mind within an instance . Those days I had to travel all the way from Taman Melati to KJ station, hop on a bus and stop at MPPJ stadium then walk to the office. But yesterday I was not alone on the train..both Afeena & Danita were such dears to tag along with me. My mobile rang but I was too caught up with the lrt-tied-up atmosphere that I didn't realize my mobile even beeps with few messages.

Once we reached Midvalley, I called those guys and they were already waiting for us at Kenny Rodgers. Like I've already expected..FULL HOUSE and there was no table left for us. My stomach was lurching and of course I'm hungry so I just went straight to Nandos instead. Thank God there's a table just nice for 6 of us. So we had our iftar, and it was a chaos there..our voices filled the whole restaurant. Yikes! I ate my whole meal okay?

Subsequently, we found some lil' spot to snap lame shots just as a subject matter of the night. Whats the point of having meals & hanging out together without a single prove of evidence? *evil grin* To sum up all the gestures in each and every scene.. it was such a flamboyant night!

a story that has never been told..

2009-09-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

Back when I was in secondary school.. i met these 3 other girls who seems to be very warmth and bubbly as well. It all started with group discussions, later on we hang out as buddies.. cracked corny jokes and pitched for self-actualization during teenage years. A memory that shall never be erased from my mind. A sweet one perhaps :)