Verdict versus denunciation

How many times do we ruminate before we even retort towards circumstances? When trouble pays a visit and pressure seemingly emerge from every inch of our steps, we tend to sashay vainly into the bewildering circle. Myself am terrified of the swirling vermin and discernments but somehow trapped in self-anticipation.

I have to divulge that denunciation often showers when I am fragile, careless and tangled. Have you ever doubted on yourself? Have you ever thought that you would be even better if…and you start to lay on the possibilities.

I know I’m not the most amiable, stunning or even far less towards perfect. But I believe I have a truthful soul and I shall erase superfluous desires in my wish list. My life is simply moderate as I am trying my level best to fulfill my necessity and imminent needs.

Alhamdulillah.. I am blessed with a couple of indulgent parents and siblings. They were always around during my hard times and even shared my happiness for so many years. I have no qualm on my family’s unconditional love. Even I am not pampered with luxury but instead I was thought to be sensibly robust and fervently patient with unpredictable obstacles. Thank you Ayah & Ibu for being stern enough while raising me up.

Now I have a partner.. a young man who tries hard to understand my wobbly mood and flimsy heart. He is very hot-tempered in nature but somehow cope to be tolerant when it comes to me.

Not that I have hesitation in this affiliation but I don’t agree with secrets. I have enough woes around me so I would much prefer to be translucent that I hate deceitful deeds. My concern is simple, be honest & don’t betray my trust.

My verdict is upon the surface and I hope not to shed an opinion weighted with mess. I look at denunciations as haze.. emerge out of now where, suffocating as I inhale yet will fade as time goes by.

I choose to be an empty cup but again I still select my drinks.

Read between the lines

Lately I have been through enormous events and occurance that forces me to make choice after choice.

There were never a single clue on what's upcoming.

Tears, laughter, surprises and disappointment each scattered on the floor like pieces of magic cards and segregate the effects bluntly on my fragile heart.

I now have grown to be a woman with courageous endurance, much more reasonably obstinate towards my stand.

The absolute prove: not just anyone can tolerate with my grimness.
I am DIFFICULT as i am certain of my interest.

To the most vulnerable guy equiped with patience, you know who you are..

THANK YOU so much for being such a sweetheart =)

I am now in Ara Damansara

Another chapter of life with NEW JOB, new house, new mates, new vision but with specified interest.. (=

Another fervor of mine..

I could still remember on March 28th this year, I’ve set my foot in Sri Mutiara Girl’s School for the very first time.I know nil about teaching as I had never been into any formal training to be a TEACHER.

Praise to Allah SWT, the week I started my duty call was an examination week. Thus, the proxy timetable given to me was actually a perfect preamble of the school’s daily routine. Soon after the examination week, officially my duties commenced as I am liable towards my own time table. I am in-charge of 3 subjects namely Bahasa Melayu, Moral Education and Physical Education.

Little that I know, I was also appointed as a ‘Pemulihan’ teacher. In essence, the weakest students in the school were congregated and I was given the task to re-enlighten them to be at the basic level of understanding BM and communicate with this national language. Day by day, I learn to be more human oriented. I am not lecturing in class, the knowledge is not just about hearsay or another factual notes but I am more emotionally attached towards the kids.


Yes, I label them as kids.. young hearts which still need to be nurtured indeed. I easily got upset when I see them not participating in class or doesn’t show any interest towards the subject I am trying to deliver. I find it extremely difficult to spread my astuteness of moral values which I’ve gained though out my living years. I did fell into morose state that the kids rejected me as I am new but that was never an excuse for me to simply relinquish.

I strive with my bare hands but with a heart full of buoyancy and that was just enough to keep me moving with a little help from courage. It touched my heart to see the kids (especially the weak ones) struggling to understand my every single word. I whispered the sounds of each spelling so that they could differentiate the pronunciation of each verb. I hold their hands and put my mouth close to their ears so that they would listen and remember.

One of my Chinese student came to me and say “Cikgu, tak mau pi lain tempat, tolong ajar kami lagi”.


Subhannallah, how could I ever forget those naïve faces? Every morning when they see me walking around the school they would call me from a distance .."Cikgu!" and when I looked at them, they would all started waving to me happily.

Every time I leave the class the Malay girls would be running to me and kiss my hands, asking for forgiveness and the Indian and Chinese students would be eagerly waving their hands showing goodbye, still with cheerful faces.

Whenever I’m disturbed with obnoxious behavior of the naughty bunch, I would coax my own heart by reminding myself of my solid intention; which is to foster the kids to be a better person with pride, passion and truthful ambition.

I am never ashamed to divulge that I am devoted to this new profession of mine..being a teacher. I might not be sitting in an air-cond room and hold executive title like others at my age but Alhamdulillah, I am truly pleased with my destiny. Wallahhu‘aklam.

My cinematography

A snapshot tells a tale of his zeal towards camera works.


My heart is hopelessly devoted to the man behind the camera.

Only by heeding to his voice makes me smile throughout the day.

I laugh at his lame jokes, I listen to his anecdotes and most importantly he makes me feel belonged, every single day.

If I were to be given a camera and a day to be with him, I would certainly snap the shots of his laughter, his squirmy expressions and of course some personal glimpse of us.

I do feel engulfing affection intended for him ;)

Condolence for my adored sister, Zetty Arfah Razali

Last night I received a phone call from my beloved buddy, Zetty. She whimper so hard that I couldn’t understand what she was about to say. A few seconds later I did grasp that her much-loved mom passed away around 6.45 that evening. I hold my gulp of air and I just couldn’t find the right words to say to comfort her at that moment. I’m truly devastated by the sudden news. From that moment my hands were shaking and all I could do is to text other mates to break the gloomy moment.



Dear Zetty, God knows how I wish to be there to cuddle you tight in my arms and tell you how much I love you and I am here for you. But I just can’t afford to go there and lend you my shoulders right now. I know you would understand but it’s just that myself felt this heart of mine wrenched because I am no where near to console you at this dreadful moment. I’m sorry sis, I would try my best to visit you once I’m able to. I promise.

Now for your devoted mama, we shall always recite suratul-Yassin & al-Fatihah and may Allah rest her soul among those with true faith, Amiiin..

Bewilderment never ends.. (Part 2)

Him: Knock Knock!

Me: ...

Him: Where about?

Me: No where

Him: Will u..?

Me: Empty. Cold. Bleak

Him: Listen. Mine = lucid

Me: U’ll regret

Him: Yes or No?

Me: *uncertain*

Him: I say YES. What say u?

Me: *weeping*

Him: No more tears. Buzz me if it’s gonna be YES.

Me: …

HIM: If No, I’ll be gone..for good

Me: YES… I was about to say YES


That was how a new chapter instigates on April 11th 2010

Bewilderment never ends..

Life has always been an untold mystery if you ask me. I’ve learn from my own mistakes and so did I discern from other people’s experiences. Not to say I am faultless but I’ve make an effort to be sentient of what-so-ever verdict that I am about to depict. Each and every one of us is given colossal choices in life which we have to eventually pick on our own. I comprehend that I have to choose whenever the situation compels me towards a defining moment of ambiguity.

Metaphorically, God has lent me a spruce looking attire. All this while I have been wearing this stunning garment for myself and I never did complain about anything. Everything about this particular piece is notable and I am certainly happy and proud to be dressed in it. Until one moment I’ve asked myself, am I fit enough to be in this charming piece of attire? All this while I realize that there were countless of people out there eyeing this particular piece of clothing. So I’ve decided to let go the precious clothe because I am certain that, there must be someone out there who deserve this ‘companion’ better than myself.

Sadly this fine clothe wouldn’t want to understand my situation. It really thought that all this while I’ve been playing games just for amusement and that notion somehow shatters my fragile heart. How could I not care for it after what I’ve gone through all these years..it is just about picking an option when the time is in need. Lord knows how difficult it is to make a verdict out of vagueness but that is the price that I have to pay for my choice of life.

A plain dress came to loom in front of me just the same moment I’m about to go bare.. Eventhough it is plain but the earnest and sensitiveness of its’ material caught my attention. This dress I’ve seen 5 years ago but only now it came by to say “hello”. Why is that so? I would never want to question fate. Now this dress willingly wants to be here, right here with me. Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah for the unpredictable voyage of mine. I would only pray that when the time comes, this dress would officially be mine for a lifetime InsyaAllah. Amiiinnn.

Befuddled with old reminiscences

Just now I was rearranging my belongings from an old box. A box filled with sequence of mirth, snuffles, anguish and simply weeps. After scores of years, I never ever had any intention to check on this one rusty box but today I decide to ‘play’ my painstaking role. I flipped each and every annotation I’ve written on the pieces of papers and also in a small diary.

At some parts I start to titter at my infantile remarks on my own self & my surroundings. But at other fractions, I was stunned that I have forgotten quite a number of occurrences which encased me in the state of agony. Unsolicited, tears filled my eyes and slowly dripped down my cheeks. These wrinkles on my face and body proves that those many years shall never return. Alhamdulillah, even through adversity, God still have mercy on me and grant me a beautiful life with both parents & siblings.



I am grateful for almost 26 years of my life, I still have the chance to breathe, to perform my responsibility as a Muslim, a daughter, an eldest sister, a friend and a person. Don’t get me wrong, this note is not about me moaning, I am all sentient that there are many more souls that suffers in poverty, vague wars and in serious illness. My twinge is just a small cut compared to theirs. Nevertheless, I am an imperfect soul and I might drain off every now and then but still I will never deceive my religion nor my conviction.